My experiences dating a borderlineHere's how to inoculate ourselves against negative ones. Verified by Psychology Today. The Almost Effect. I met Michael about a year after he and his wife Diane had gone for two counseling sessions following an incident at home. This was not the first time that Michael had made such accusations. Then, as he made to leave the room Michael pushed Diane.
He'd dated a few females in-between his marital separation and meeting me, but I sensed it was too soon for him to attach. As soon as a Borderline senses you're really His, he distances himself, shuts down or finds fault with you. The Borderline brings a whole lot of unfinished business from his childhood, into your relationship dynamic--which was certainly no exception, in my brief interlude with this kind of male:.
No question, I was doing all the heavy emotional lifting in that relationship. To be honest, I had recognized his narcissism early on, and foolishly thought I could handle it--but this control issue kept rearing its ugly little head, and it was profoundly injurious to our bond.
Love is blind. At the very least, your physical and emotional health will suffer. Some of these males present as little boys, ambivalently in need of rescuing or care. Their vulnerability comes across in a way that has you seeing them as open and genuine--but watch out! Don't believe the hardship stories they feed you, while asking for a "temporary" loan or place to sleep. Don't think for a moment, this guy can't screw up your life, just because he seems so pitiful.
He had very disappointing and painful relationship experiences with Mother, and you're not gonna change this for him, no matter how you hard try to bridge that deficit. Besides, no man wants to fuck his mommy, and if he does, he's way more screwed-up than you think he is. In short, he won't let you love him. You may presume that if you just try a little harder to make him happy, it'll be possible to have a harmonious relationship with this guy, but you're just dreaming. This portion of treatment is critical, for he will not be able to let go of long-standing BPD traits self-sabotage, crisis orientation, passive-aggression, addictions, etc.
Stealing you away from somebody else can fuel a borderline male's ego, and ease his long-standing insecurities. This pattern compulsively repeats, as he's acting-out unresolved rage from childhood neglect and betrayal.
No matter how toxic her presence, he just can't break that vow he made to Dad on his deathbed. This meticulous male had OCD features, which spilled over into our dynamic.
I viewed this with awe and disbelief, as I'd taken excellent care of myself for over fifty years at that juncture, and managed it very well without his input! His immediate need is to replace you, when the affair falters.
I had second thoughts the following day, and phoned just six hours later to ask if we might give it one more try. He was "unsure. An emotionally damaged male might have the gumption to tell you right up front that he's not available for something serious. If he's great looking and funny, you may only want to bed him, which is okay! You may be a strong, well-established, successful woman with a mind of her own, but the Borderline has an uncanny ability to whittle you down until you're second-guessing and doubting yourself.
Fairly soon after your romance takes flight, he could coax you to "open up" or let down your guard, and trust him more. A long-time friend eventually succumbed to the cajoling of such a male. The minute she dropped her guard and gave him access to her softer, vulnerable side, he phoned less, played crazy-making mind games, found fault with her, and turned into an asshole. Having fallen in love, it took my friend months to get over him--but her body has held that trauma.
He could make plans with you a week or more in advance--but never phone you to firm 'em up, or address the particulars. So you're sitting around wondering what to wear for the occasion, and thinking; "surely he'll call soon, to fine-tune this date with me," but you start to think he's either forgotten it--or may just not show up.
This crap is intentional. Anything else, is a manipulation.
Are you dating a man with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? BPD is diagnosed far more frequently in women than in men, which may give the false. Jan 2, - How does a person with borderline personality disorder (emotionally unstable She broke up with him again and started dating a new guy. Apr 19, - In the worst of times, he likens dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to having a relationship with someone who has dementia. “Sometimes they look into their parent's eyes and they see a spark. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they knew and love is still there, somewhere deep down inside.
Casanova has severe self-worth issues. That's his barometer. BillyBoy was much younger than I, but we cultivated a lovely friendship. He seemed to crave mentoring, and was consistently appreciative about helpful insights or wisdom I offered. He was wildly flirtatious from the very start of our association, but while I enjoyed the fun banter, I never took it seriously.
After some years, I learned that BillyBoy had long maintained a fantasy that I wanted him sexually. Apparently, he'd needed me to desire him, to fortify his self-image. This guy will have you feeling just horrible about hurting his feelings, even when you know you didn't mean a thing by that silly, offhand comment you made about one of his relatives. Molehills become mountains, and no matter how careful you are, you're gonna step on a land mine--and there isn't a darned thing you can do about it.
It won't be long, before the joyful parts of yourself like your sense of humor die off. This doesn't mean he won't be sweet to you at times, or even generous--but you feel imprisoned by his volatility, and how easily he's upset. Your body's still here, but your spirit and soul feel dead. In the middle of a battle or break-up, your Borderline could flirt with, bait and bed a whole lot of folks.
Ironically, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do the Mattress Mambo with as many casual partners as he wishes--but heaven help you, if you draw outside the lines just one tiny bit; the seismic reaction will be one you'll never live down!
Don't presume he's telling you the truth about his sexual history, or health. Don't be one of them. I dated a guy in my thirties, who I quickly sensed was neurotic. Jekyll - Mr. You may have accepted some blame for his erratic moods, because it made perfect sense when he explained why he was withdrawn, frustrated, angry or sad--and you wanted to help him. After all, this terrific guy has chosen You to love, and share all these feelings with--aren't you the lucky one?
When he doesn't follow through, he lacks the decency to apologize. Do not trust him. As with borderline females, this fellow lacks boundaries and impulse control. He may be awkward around your friends--especially when they're male. His jealousy might be well hidden, but you can sense his frosty reserve when he meets them. No Borderline can.
Loving Casanova is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. This guy seems so wonderful at first, you can hardly believe it!
But as this relationship progresses, you will feel increasingly frustrated, anxious, confused and tormented. I've worked with quite a few male Borderlines. Many are determined to tell me how much younger they look than their chronological age, what great lovers they are, and how every female they've been with sexually, has declared them "The Best! This male is likely to choose-down, or select females he perceives as needy or less powerful than he. Any woman who is whole or has greater resources than he's recognized in himself, activates his abandonment fears.
In this way, he's always in the driver's seat, and abandonment concerns are averted. It's not unusual for codependency and borderline disorder to coexist within the same individual.
This dual diagnosis can frequently be observed in BPD males who work in the medical, psychotherapeutic or coaching professions. Casanova is prone to having affairs with married women, or engaging in his own extramarital dalliances. He persistently chooses 'safe' relationships that have no chance of moving beyond a casual or superficial status.
These defenses can be like 'rescue-remedy' for a damaged soul--but relief is short-lived. Attachment ambivalence consistently derails his ability to maintain deep, meaningful ties. This is his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good enough--and that's his intent.
Why does he treat you so cruelly? If you're sticking around, make sure he knows he can't abuse you like this any longer--and hope to keep you. Being in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough, thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc. He may not convey his disdain or disappointment directly, but you will always feel inadequate. The narcissistic father does the same to his children. Too m any females are easily taken in by the Borderline's apparent brilliance and base of knowledge.
They'll adopt a name or nickname that's different from the one they were given at birth. This may take the form of choosing the name of a famous celebrity or historical figure, and it's rooted in self-loathing. He has an answer and anecdote for virtually everything under the sun--and you can't shut him up, as he regales you with little known facts on any topic you have the patience to hear about!
This is just one trademark of his grandiosity, and you're his captive audience. Casanova could be parsimonious in bed--but if he's generous, your orgasm is His--not yours. His narcissism is profound, to say the least. He boasted about "burning them out sexually," to where they couldn't sustain the relationship. Impotence is fairly common among men with personality disorder features if they've become close to you emotionally, prior to having sex. Men typically get to their feelings through sex, which is part of their bonding ritual.
If this order is reversed, BPD males could have great difficulty achieving and maintaining erections. In short, the more you actually matter to him, the less he's able to perform.
What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder
His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and like all addictions floods him with sensations of aliveness. This doesn't mean that you won't ever hear from him again.
He may check in now and then, to test the waters and see if there's an opening or catch you in a weak moment. No response is always the best response. Move on. Borderlines can be openly misogynistic woman hatingor they may wrestle with substantial mistrust of females. Jewish girls are raised to think of themselves as Princesses. Casanova often uses a long-term relationship or marriage as his springboard for flirtations and conquests.
Without this relatively stable 'home base,' he's usually at odds in the world of women, due to his insecurities. His emotional development is stunted, so he's basically a pre-adolescent. The borderline male will concoct all sorts of lies to throw you off his scent, when he's screwing another woman.
There will be out of town business trips, nights out with "the guys," lunches or dinners with clients, etc. You guys could have some real knock-down, drag-out fights about this, and you might kick him out or he could leave for awhile, only to crawl back with his tail between his legs, begging for reprieve from emotional exile.
He may promise never to do it again, and you'll want to believe him--but remember that story about the scorpion and the frog? If you are the wife of a Borderline or Narcissist, and you've finally decided to leave after trying for years to make your marriage workhe'll likely collapse into inconsolable depression.
What men never seem to comprehend, is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning back. He might even get sick or injure himself on a frequent basis, to elicit your care and concern--and get you off his back for expecting more out of him. He could also blame You for his need to be with other women. This man-child can't tolerate any form of rejection.
This discord typically provokes his rage, which lands you right back into an abusive cycle. Grown adults have the ability to connect intimately in other domains of their relationships spiritually, emotionally, cerebrally, etc.
You'll feel objectified in this type of relationship. Some of these males can't climax with you face to face, or with their eyes open.
During intercourse, he might prefer to orgasm only when you're turned away from him or he can penetrate you from behind. Might he have latent homosexual tendencies, given emotional trust could never be solidified with Mother? My guess is yes. Waif traits are common among men who live off the generosity or sympathy of females. No self-respecting male can let a partner support him long-term; if he does, he's sitting on some unresolved rage concerning women.
He's like Peter Pan--he never grows up. On some level, they know that most women will eventually reject them, due to their lack of financial responsibility or success.
It helps them avoid real closeness and commitment. You might want to be a totally different female than the one s he grew up with--but that doesn't fit his emotional profile. A waif-like male could be considered The Quiet Borderline. You might regard him as effete, as he can seem relatively devoid of masculine essence if you didn't know better, you'd swear he's gay! He's soft-spoken, passive, and avoids confrontation of any kind.
He could be drawn to strong, independent women, if his mom was domineering or controlling--but they're not sexually attracted to him.
They may embrace him as a friend, but getting naked with this guy would feel akin to climbing into bed with a gal-pal. A BPD Waif often approaches professional dealings with a sob story.
His lack of funds or finances are always conveyed up-front, when trying to negotiate any type of business transaction even therapy. This behavior is part of his survival reflex that's become habituated--but its roots go all the way back to his childhood. In reality though, he wants you to refute his words, and convince him you'll stand by him, in spite of any financial or emotional setbacks you'll likely suffer.
In short, you're being manipulated. He's the Eternal Martyr; it's simpler to keep circling the drain, than to climb out of the sink. Casanova typically had a Borderline mother, or one with BPD traits. Given her inherent lack of boundaries, she might have been playfully seductive with her maturing son, expecting him to respond to her charismatic, alluring moods when she felt empty, or dissatisfied with her romantic partnership.
He'd also develop a grandiose sense of mastery over women, in terms of how to please, seduce and control them.
If you look at your own relationship history, you will probably notice a pattern of dating the same type of men. For men with BPD, this pattern isn't going to be as.
Throughout adulthood, this entrenched, narcissistic false-self would mask boyhood insecurities. The borderline disordered male typically learns about being a Man, from his mother. As absurd as this sounds, she was the more influential presence in his life. Borderline mothers may try to mold their sons into somebody who's very different from the man they've married, which has far reaching repercussions for a boy's self-esteem.
Shame gets triggered for a boy whose mother acts whorishly. Sex addiction is fairly common among males who've acquired BPD traits. Such is the tragic outcome of emotional incest by a narcissistic parent. Casanova likes being flirtatious with you, as it fuels his ego when you return what he construes as interest or attraction--but that doesn't mean he wants to pursue something more.
Long-term relationships are pretty rare for this guy, due to fears of intimacy. You may be the 'perfect' lover or wife, and he'll still cheat--or work far too many hours. It isn't about you. It's about his lifelong struggle with closeness, abandonment and engulfment. If one is involved in a relationship with an alcoholic that is thinking seriously about sobriety they need to be made woefully aware that not cessation of drinking may uncover a hotbed of other issues, issues that may or may not resolve themselves.
Nothing could be further from the truth! I'd say you don't personally know much about AA, its founders, or the 12 steps! Your statement is inaccurate, since the ultimate goal of AA and the 12 steps is "emotional" sobriety, and not drinking is only the beginning of the process.
Bill W. Bob also acknowledged mental illness in his writings. Of course, not as much was known about personality disorders at the time AA was founded.
But certain AA slogans capture the idea anyway, i. Those who associate with alcoholics in recovery, including clinicians who are treating them, may themselves greatly benefit from attending Al-Anon or CoDA meetings, if only to be better informed. It has mostly failed to help one of the biggest problems in the US.
Mental illness underneath needs to be addressed. Faith-based recovery is a joke. AA is a detriment more than anything because it purports that it's widely successful when it just flat out isn't. Men with BPD often self-medicate with alcohol, so you might think that removing the alcohol will uncover more BPD symptoms, but this might or might not be true.
Alcohol can exacerbate the aggression, making the person with BPD even worse, perhaps violent. Borderline personality disorder is a heritable brain disease Current Psychiatry April;13 4 Henry A. Neuropathology underpins the personality disorder Foremost, BPD must be regarded as a serious, disabling brain disorder, not simply an aberration of personality. Magnetic resonance imaging.
Magnetic resonance spectroscopy. Diffusion tensor imaging. Genetic Studies There is substantial scientific evidence that BPD is highly heritable—a finding that suggests that brain abnormalities of this disorder are a consequence of genes involved in brain development similar to what is known about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and autism.
E interactions ie, how nature and nurture influence each other. The G. Specialists should be taking look at new findings. Childhood trauma Also, they aren't insecure, neither do anything unconsciously. They are very much aware of their manipulations. Overly secure, instead. George K. Simon, for ex.
That's why it's so severe. Think about it, a simple inferiority, camouflaged by superiority The disorder wouldn't be so severe, if such plain explanation was to be the correct explaination. You are absolutely correct, this is very accurate. Ex was diagnosed with this disorder, they gave him three assessments by three practitioners because he didn't believe the results.
Did this guy feel guilty or did they feel admired? Believe it or not, some males with BPD symptoms will date multiple women (feel guilty later) and refuse to. Feb 13, - Did this guy feel guilty or did they feel admired? Believe it or not, some males with BPD symptoms will date multiple women (feel guilty later). Whenever I met someone who felt a bit 'off' to me, I declined a second date. Borderline Personality Disorder in men is harder to recognize than in women.
Attempted suicide was also a factor in his case. Thanks for the article it was enlightening and I appreciated the clarity. I'm glad you found it helpful. I'm the first to admit that the idea of BPD in men is controversial and in particular my view that it can vary from mild to severe. Yet many men have found it to be a road map to recovery from BPD. A long but interesting read.
I understand and agree with what you've written and the comment below. They know exactly what they are doing and my ex partner asked me not to try changing him. He argued about therapy and even projected his personality disorder on me and told me to get help. We broke up and he wants me back. He is the one who flirts and wants to stay friends with every ex girlfriend.
He is stubborn and never admits fault. BPD and NP disorded people refuse to believe they are wrong. They apparently try to manipulate the therapist to believe the other partner has the disorder. Maybe Michael didnt have any of these disorders as it seems therapy is extremely unlikely to work as well as the above suggests?
This guy does not sound like somebody with BPD, but rather like a normal person dealing with an abnormal life. People who comment here that have been in relationships with borderlines seem to agree that it's a very tough nut to crack, because they do not accept the diagnosis, nor do they cooperate with treatment.
I have not doubt that there are male borderlines, I think I'm dealing with one right now, that's what brought me here. He reminds me so much of my ex-wife. It doesn't have to do with drinking or not drinking or violence, it's the insidious way that they undermine your self-worth and mess with your sense of reality. Their inability to ever admit they are wrong, or responsible for their behavior and bad situations they've created.
I agree with this. There was no trauma in my ex-wife's past to explain her personality disorder. Oh she invented one involving Satanists, etc because it was the fashion of the time, the dominant belief system of the time called out for it, and she was ready to provide it.
I believe her problems were innate, and it was as unfair to blame her parents' child rearing as it was when people blamed the parents for schizophrenia.
I hope we won't be doing that again any time soon. Stormy just what people call her and he or s he loves in which. Pennsylvania is the we've been living for many years. After being your own his purpose of years he was a reservation and transportation ticket agent. To play footbal is regarded as things she loves most. Thanks for this writing. I've been 10 years with a man who 'acts strange'. Well, it's been stormy. I started to do research and came to conclusion 4 years ago that he has BPD.
At some point I had enough and left him. I said I come back on one conditition: he goes to therapy. I had gone alone to a couple therapist a few times, and finally he came with me. As the therapist was a nice person who 'understood his background' he thought it was a good idea, and came a few times. Then he started to say: see, therapist understands how my life is hart and it's all your fault in a nutshell.
The therapist had told me he is clearly a narcisist, and I should just escape. But something was bothering me: he is clearly unhappy, desperate and sort of lost, regardless of somewhat narcistic behavior there's more to it. I have became friends with a woman who started talk about her boyfriend and how 'nobody can imagine what it can be like' with him.
Well, I could. It was like we were with identical twins. One day she texted me: ' I have came to conclusion that he has BPD'. At least I have one person who understands What is perplexing about BPDs, they indeed are emotional In other words, when you see his rage, provoked by something, you've done, you as a normal person think at least subconsciously" OK, some specialists say: no, it just seems so, in fact, his emotion towards you is caused by his fear of your perceiver attempt to take away his control.
Sorry not very encouraging, but keep in mind. I too am trying to understand better. Read ne approaches, CBT etc. They aren't as troubled, as they seem, but can cause lots of trouble and knowingly!! Helping them is very dangerous. Some say, BPD is curable to some degree, but they have to want it, and they usually don't. They are extremely manipulative, what at times appears to be 'them being unwell', is often a show. Keep researching though, if you wan to help or understand.
I know 8 people with cluster B disorders, one is a child a severe case5 are currently engaged in so-called 'character assassination' of mine.
I had to read a lot. I know, may not sound convincing to you, but a 'psychopathic mob' is a very well known phenomenon, just google. And don't get me wrong, I am not being pessimistic now, because of my situation, I am capable of approaching in cool manner, as I come from a scientific background, which doesn't show in the way I wrote this Good lack.
Thanks for noticing me. Apologies for the following to be not so well organized, trying to be quick.BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER & RELATIONSHIPS - Q&A
Good question. They're now thinking of this. Some are trying to reconsider terminology, that DSM offers. Some keep it, but give a different explanation to the Cluster B.
Others are so behind, they still think, that NPD is hidden insecurity. Others have made great advances. In a very different way, though.
Also, to my observation, there is a disorder, that is qualitatively different from BPD psychopathy, but is labeled BPD. They have no intention to manipulate.
For me the issue is what type of BPD is implied in fact they are so different, one should be definitely renamed. Indeed, as you've mentioned, BPDs are sent to anger management!! What is even worse, some specialists misdiagnose Bipolar and BPD, confuse them, only because the words sound similar!! One can have both, of course, but then one can have an ulcer and a flue at the same time.
I know one nice woman she is bipolar and has that 'benign' BPD at once. They never noticed BPD, but recently, finally, the schizophrenia. Re: how can one include another, and if it's so why we need 2 different concepts. Concepts can stay, but what they imply doesn't have to be on its own. For ex, definitely Paranoia is included in Morbid Jealousy or vise-versabut then both are present in, for ex. No explanation ever felt right for those behaviours, till I discovered 'the opposite' approaches The do know, and it's fully conscious.
The whole thing would be extremely interesting, if it wasn't so tough. See, "patients" don't come to me and say whatever they need to tell to a doctor. These "patients" try to consume me. Don't get me wrong, the inverted commas don't imply, I don't believe they're disordered, of course they are, and precisely because they are very much secure and confident, o yes.
Then and only then pieces started to fall into the places. Nothing else was ever satisfactory to me. I come from a scientific background. It's difficult to convince me. I twisted and turned those behaviours, till I felt on right path.
Behaviours are directed towards me, they are not told to me. Still, unresolved issues I have just left my npd partner. It's sad and I wanted to help him but I've read it's almost impossible and they've got to want to change anyway if anything were to work.
May 19, - Controlling through criticism: BPD men are more inclined to family, as Michael had broken contact with them well before they started dating. Sep 16, - As such, I'll try and share my two cents on dating someone with BPD. This is a hard concept to explain to a healthy person, who may have. Mar 19, - People with borderline personality often have romantic relationships public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from.
I could have written the above. I've studied psychology and I believe they are born like it.
My exs mum is a narcissist and he's the same unfortunately :. I don't have delusions of grandeur and don't think I'm better than anyone. I feel I am more deeply flawed than most, and hate when I manipulate people. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we struggle a lot and he has so much anger inside of him, depression, etc.
I don't know what to do and i'm about to leave him because it's so hard on me and he doesn't see that I found M. Scott Peck's observations on the subject very useful. From memory so don't blame Peck for anything wrong with this formulation - people in relationships with borderlines tend to be neurotic. People without somewhat disordered personalities don't put up with it.
Take a look at yourself. You can see it in your vocabulary, and his. When you see a problem, do you think, "I ought to do something about that. If I study this up thoroughly enough, I believe I can solve this?
Shoulda, coulda, oughta The personality disordered person, on the other hand, has a diminished sense of responsibility. They say things like "I couldn't possibly" "how to you expect me to" "YOU are the one who So you see how the borderline and the neurotic make an unhealthy alliance.
The borderline partner says "well, i can't be expected to do anything about that," and the neurotic partner says "yes, I coulda shoulda oughta do something about this" and so it goes. When read Peck's words, I was so excited, I wanted to share it with my partner. Of course you can guess the outcome. While I embraced the model because I was neurotic and always collecting new information to solve problems, she flatly rejected it because she was borderline and rejected any sort of information that could disrupt her reality-rejecting status quo.
The answer to the question "do you think you might be borderline" is always "no.
Unlike the Dr. My ex was in therapy for years. They find ways of not getting better. Even if they accept the diagnosis, next year they will be onto a different therapist who will give them a diagnosis they like better. If they are extreme, I'd say "get out if you can. Trauma impacts the brain and causes injury to the frontal lobe that often leads to cognitive deficits, impulsive and inappropriate behaviour and inability to self-regulate.
At the core of BPD, which can be attributed to either genetics or complex trauma, is the inability to self-regulate and implement positive coping strategies when feeling distressed. Survivors of abuse tend to be highly stressed, prone to self-destructive patterns to relieve pain, and have difficulty controlling anger or recovering their emotional balance if upset.
Self-soothing and stabilising strategies help as people who have problems regulating their emotions tend to react impulsively and have difficulty feeling calm or grounded. Those who brag about being thinkers or scientific may well be out of touch with their emotions or shut down as a defense when feeling threatened or overwhelmed. Emotions provide vital signs for how to react to the environment but those who can identify and control their reactions to strong emotions tend to be able to return to a calm state sooner than those who suffer from BPD or trauma.
Often the way a couple interact tends to exacerbate problems. The heart of treatment is validation of the person's thoughts and feelings to enable them to feel heard and understood. Those with BPD benefit from being allowed space to calm down.
Instead of pushing them to talk it may help to learn to walk away and then return when emotions are less heated. For the record, most adolescents pass through a turbulent stage as their brain is growing and rely on the calm presence of an adult to serve as a secure base or anchor. Few people have been taught active listening skills, assertive communication or stress relief techniques in their families, but these skills can be learned.
The neuroplasticity of the brain makes it vulnerable to shock and trauma, but also enables changes through positive coping strategies that serve to soothe and rewire the nerves to a stable state. Meditation, mindfulness, exercise and adopting a healthy diet and sleep routine work wonders. Rehashing past misery simply amplifies the distress and may reset the brain to be sad, depressed or unduly distressed.
Analysis leads to paralysis, whereas encouraging healthy goals and positive plans helps rewire the brain to function better. I focused on the alcohol addiction when stressed and his rages, and made the mistake of pushing him to talk instead of letting him calm down.
One time he got drunk and strangled me and I was don. Gave him 6 months to get help but he seemed helpless to do anything as falling on deaf ears. As I broke up with him u lost all control and completely went bazerk like he was having a nervous breakdown. He couldn't talk and just raged for weeks. His parents enabled him and his dependent mother said he didn't have a problem. Finally I got a restraining order and the Judge told him he had a drinking and rage problem.
I still love him and he has not contacted me but goes to places he knows I attend, he immediately rebounded with a woman 3 states away! After four months and 2 months in my own therapy I figured out he's BPD and we both had childhood trauma.
Now that I know, I'm wondering if it would be worth seeing if he would go to counseling and we could try again now that we know the problem? He is high functioning but when I met him he had cheated on his wife and had gotten married woman pregnant by an affair. His attachment is also avoidant The author of this article says men can recover Who what when and where? He doesn't follow up. I don't see anything online as proof and can only read about couples who broke up. Is life doomed with these disorderd men?
Should I move on? We are both early 50s; I'm very attractive and it's easy for me to move on but I don't know if I can because we loved eachother so much. Seriously now?!
You want to attend counseling with this loser who strangled you, Pluuuus knowing he got someone pregnant, cheated, hurt you AND know he's not healthy??! DV Injunction should not be dropped, hence 'Counseling ' together. Resolve your self confidence, let him fix himself for the other ladies who he is with and find better pastures to graze upon for yourself Wisest long term choice,Ruth IS that aspect.
This is directly saving you more future heartbroken pieces to slice your hands with after you solely try gluing that perfect original mirror back together.
Those pieces love aren't worth the extra effort, time, nor pain anymore Move on happily Run far. Coming from someone who has been exactly in your shoes prior. It's not worth it. Divorcing my 2nd Husband currently from abusive actions Same, yet few worse damages occurred snd broken tailbone healing still. I just did. It disappeared. I liked Christine's comment.
If you're looking for an answer to your problems in my post, please do not read any further. I am not here to offer solutions but rather to voice out the reality of a partner in love with a BPD diagnosed man. It's been nearly two years of my relationship with him and to be honest, things have not gotten any better. Things have only gotten worse. It was never like this in the beginning.
Obviously, nobody admits to being BPD diagnosed during the initial days of seeing someone. Six months into the relationship only left me confused as to why his behaviour was so erratic. Later he confessed that he suffers from bipolar disorder. But obviously I did my own research and the first thing that I could think of was how sad it is to be under the impression that you suffer from another condition.
His therapist should have known better. It was obvious he has borderline personality disorder. I told him about this and made him understand with much difficulty of course that he needed to see another therapist and so he did. My boyfriend used to be a heavy drinker and an equally heavy smoker. He has subsided a lot. There's no telling when or why he might get angry.
His anger knows no bounds. He has abused me physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. Just about every way you could possibly abuse a person. He gets angry for a delayed text message.
He gets angry for an unreturned phone call. He gets angry if I talk to another man. He gets angry if I shape my eyebrows differently. He gets angry if I decide to keep my finger nails short rather than long. You get the picture right?
Highly irrational. Both of us work in media, and work has its own requirements. But in spite of working in the same field, it offers no help or understanding to him. My circumstance our situation never understood but his is always not only justifiable but right as well.
The way he talks is very demeaning and can seriously effect a person's self esteem and self confidence. I have struggled and tolerated and put up with a lot. And that's a huge understatement. What makes it worse is that it's a long distance relationship. I'm not personally there to make sure his mood is kept in check.
Or to make sure he takes the right medication. Like I said, things have only gotten more difficult. Communicating with him is an impossible task.
Dating a borderline man
My patience has been tested time and again and in this relationship I have been more sad than happy. Trying to speak to him calmly and trying to contain his anger by speaking politely only angers him more. Trying to tell him sternly also angers him more. Trying to tell him in an equally angry way also angers him more.
Nothing works. That is probably the only bit of truth I have ever discovered in my relationship with him. The fact that nothing works. If he's angry just let it pass. Try to make him subside, you're asking for trouble. Because the fault is always yours. The blame always lies on you. If you want to make the relationship work you must understand that they don't mean anything they say or do when they're flying into a rage. If you're able to deal with that unconditionally, you've got a relationship.
On the other hand, if you're expecting you're partner to change and hoping for a "love should not be taxing" life and thinking that maybe one day he won't be so impulsive or furious or abusive or moody, you've got another think coming.
That's the tragic truth. It really boils down to what you want. If you love this person and want to be with him the way he is, be ready to face the music. There are undeniably good times too. Run and never look back. What am I doing? Hopelessly hoping This article was on point.
It explains so much about men with BPD. Though it has been deemed less common in men than women, "male BPD" is running rampant.